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Okay, I think what you are saying is that if we face our suffering and do what we can to stop inflicting it upon ourselves and others… then the cliches won’t be so common in communication. Because we will instead have more honest communication about direct experience, rather than ones about cliche topics — that are used to avoid substantive communication. (Feel free to let me know if that’s off.)

I’ve thought about the love is the opposite of fear concept before. It never quite added up for me. When it comes to emotions, it’s difficult to draw exact opposites, because emotions are rooted in evolutionary biology, which are interleaved with behavioral tendencies.

There is the approach vs. avoidance dichotomy. And love could be thought of an approach emotion, and fear one of avoidance. But even that is not consistent, because since we are human and we have culture, for instance: we can learn how to use fear to approach challenges rather than avoid them.

What I sense in your statement is a judgment of fear itself. From my perspective here, fear is perfectly healthy, normal, and vital for any physical, sentient being. It can lead to disaster, yes, but that’s only if it’s not *worked with* properly, constructively, mindfully. As a species, we are on the brink of validating this scientifically for ourselves, at a much broader scale — it just takes time for science to get the message out.

Meaning that research is showing how humans have an incredible ability to change their thoughts and thus their emotions in balanced ways, such that negative emotions can actually be transmuted into very positive outcomes.

If anything is the opposite of love, I would say that it’s apathy. But even apathy seems to be rooted in another emotion, perhaps hatred? And even hatred is related to love very directly. That’s why I don’t have a clear answer of how to draw opposites. And that’s where I think a lot of misunderstanding about love comes in. People pedestel it as the ultimate human emotion, but I think it can best be measured by human action, or in some cases, inaction. Yes, it’s a feeling, it’s possible to claim feeling love, while not acting in loving ways. Cue to codependency.

Anyway, these are excellent questions you bring up Count Sneaky. Slowly, I hope to tackle them more. But for the time being, the focus is on showing how important it is to work with all of our emotions, because all of them are of value to us in one way, or perhaps many. :) ... See all content Hide content

4 months ago by Melissa Karnaze on Wordpress

Count Sneaky, I do think that the terms you’ve noted have been cliched and even changed in their now loose definitions… how you would you replace these terms? Or would you rather they just disappear altogether so that people would talk about the issues instead of the “themes”?

I agree with you that caring about at least one other person does so much more than reading any personal development book. But even then, care can be considered a cliched term as well, because everyone has their own definition of what it means to “love” someone, some of which are very dysfunctional. That’s why for the purpose of this site, I defined love as an action, so that readers will know what I mean by the term.

I believe that learning to care for yourself first is the foundation to caring for anyone else. Yes, the two help each other out, but the world has a lot of suffering because we allow for and inflict a lot of suffering on ourselves… and that would take a whole book to write about!

Glad you enjoyed “vomit and kittens” as well, lol. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the article. ... See all content Hide content

4 months ago by Melissa Karnaze on Wordpress

[...] more here:  The Dark Side of Personal Development | MindfulConstruct This entry was posted on Friday, November 6th, 2009 at 9:00 am and is filed under Personal [...]

4 months ago by Internet Cafe Solution » Blog Archive » The Dark Side of Personal Development | MindfulConstruct on Wordpress

Hi Melissa – I just discovered your blog. So glad to see you and a few others covering this topic. One of my favorite books: “Owning Your Own Shadow” by Robert Johnson. So often our gifts come from shadow, the gift of the wound. This can be a tough sell these days, because the thought of a dark night of the soul is anathema to a culture that prizes quick answers. Thanks for the insightful post. ... See all content Hide content

4 months, 1 week ago by Patty @ Why Not Start Now? on Wordpress

Nick, interesting point about exploiting the dark story just to bring in more sales.

That reflects a potential dark side of the personal development field as a whole: that people who haven’t integrated their dark side are misleading a whole bunch of other people to eventually do the same, and then they have a much harder time getting in touch with who they are, their feelings, and ultimately , their discernment (which is the dark side used in balance).

Cory, good point about storytelling. I’m not so sure if negative ads work better on me — to the extent that ads work on me (which I’d like to say is 0%). It’s an interesting question, do dark or light stories persuade better? And does that include sad and happy endings?

I believe that the darkest moments of our past do hold the most power, because once we can unpack the past and re-frame the regrets, then we can move forward.

What a great way to look at the power of the dark moments. It is this exact mobilization that makes working with all your emotions so rewarding, and ultimately intelligent… because it’s just healthy.

Journaling is an excellent way to facilitate the process, and I’ve written about this topic in several articles here. Be sure to check them out if you haven’t already. There’s also an article on how rewarding blogging is too. :) ... See all content Hide content

4 months, 1 week ago by Melissa Karnaze on Wordpress

I’ve had the opportunity to see a lot of speakers in the personal development arena. Most of them start with their rags to riches story because that’s how they build trust. Why, because most people can relate to that, it’s real life.

Of course there are some people in the PD niche that manipulate their dark side and use it as a sales technique.

@Claire, I also had a good laugh at the vomiting and kittens line. That would make an awesome headline “How not to make your readers vomit and kill kittens”

@Miche, Your exactly right, you have to experience pain before you can have pleasure. If your happy all the time there is something wrong. ... See all content Hide content

4 months, 1 week ago by Nick Laborde on Wordpress

Miche, thank you for your comment. Yes, I really enjoyed your last article on how compassion is linked to acknowledging suffering. I think too many people talk about compassion without a real understanding of it. You don’t just sit in a room and radiate compassion with your thoughts. Compassion is something that is expressed through interpersonal interaction, and especially put to the test when facing adversary.

Thank you for mentioning your favorite blogs, I look forward to checking them out. :)

Steven, thanks for sharing your perspective. Yes, there are two sides to personal development. I think the balance comes with realizing that pain cannot always be avoided or eradicated, but rather can always be worked with and moved through. If pain is integrated, then it’s much easier to create more long-lasting pleasure in life. ... See all content Hide content

4 months, 1 week ago by Melissa Karnaze on Wordpress

Hi Melissa, another terrific article with great examples… why I love reading mindfulconstruct!

As you know from my last post, I’ve been feeling similarly about the lack of attention to the “dark side” where most real growth and change happens.

As for some of my favorite blogs, I’d have to say the ones that stand out most in mind are http://questforbalance .com

http://porsidan.com and http://nakedineden.com/nakedinedenblog/

Lisis, Jay, and Robin are extremely compassionate people who aren’t afraid to share of themselves and explore growth and life in all its wholeness, beauty and depth, whether dark or light.

Thanks for sharing this!

Cheers, Miche :) ... See all content Hide content

4 months, 1 week ago by Miche on Wordpress

Claire, you made me laugh *really* hard about the vomit and kittens. I feel you.

I find myself getting really antsy and annoyed when I stumble across a site that is all about the rainbows and the sunsets — that’s not real life. That’s an illusion, pulled over the eyes — that prevents you from seeing what’s going on in your own life and seeing what needs to be fixed… so that you can enjoy rainbows and sunsets.

And then, if I’m not mindful of my reaction, boy does my temper kick in. And then I have to tone her down and refocus on solutions, not the problems with personal development. But after browsing through many sites, I’m developing a sort of immunity to the empty positivity.

You are awesome for not lalalala’ing negative emotions, what a wonderful image of how silly that is! It was a pleasure reading your thoughts Claire, thanks so much for sharing. :) ... See all content Hide content

4 months, 1 week ago by Melissa Karnaze on Wordpress

Well said, Cole. Thanks for your comment.

I definitely treasure these stories, as I can relate. In consuming personal development materials, I need to know that I can trust a person before I really hear their voice.

One way to trust is by seeing how they integrated pain in their own life… Monday’s article is lined up for this topic of trust. :)

4 months, 1 week ago by Melissa Karnaze on Wordpress

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