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A Glass of Wine for Grandma: Why Giving Babysitting Grandparents a List of Rules is Just… Wrong

Updated 3 months, 3 weeks ago

Source: http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/

Cheers, grandma and grandpa!

Yesterday, I was reading my friend Lenore Skenazy’s blog, Free Range Kids. She posted about a “Dear Amy” advice column that appeared in the paper — the writer of the question, a grandmother, had an interesting problem: She and her husband have been babysitting their grandson, overnight, twice a week, since he was born (right away I’m thinking: give those grandparents a medal, right?!). At that time, their daughter presented them ...

with some rules for caring for the baby, which included a provision that they not drink wine on those days/nights. Um, what?

I was totally, absolutely, and completely expecting Amy to say, “tell your daughter, with all due respect, that you’re in charge when her child is in your care, and that a glass of wine with dinner is not going to make you less able to be a good guardian.”

That’s not what Amy said. She was with the daughter in her zero-tolerance conviction that not a drop of alcohol should pass the grandparents’ lips. I mean, sure, don’t get falling-down drunk, but no wine with dinner? Really?

Lenore’s take is that a glass of wine does not turn responsible adults into raving lunatics who should be nowhere near young children (if so, as she points out, the whole nation of France must be bad parents).

I agree, and my further take is this: If you are asking your parents to care for your children, for free, out of the goodness of their hearts, you get what you pay for.

Harsh? Maybe; but it’s how I feel. I see too many parents who simply assume that their own parents live to care for the grandchildren — and will make all sorts of accommodations to do so: Quit their jobs or change their work schedules; drive miles and miles out of their way; childproof their homes; not go out with their own friends or away for the weekend without checking first if their services are needed, and so on.

And now, not drink any wine.

I feel as though if I hand the grandparents a booklet of rules and instructions, I should also hand them a paycheck. Plus, by setting down rules for my parents, part of what I’m doing is trying to shape their relationship with their grandchildren. I don’t want to do that. I want them to figure out how they get along and what they enjoy doing together, all on their own. That relationship is precious–because let’s face it, who knows how long they’ll have it available to them?

Just last weekend, my sons spent the night with my mom and dad while my husband and I spent a blessedly wonderful evening celebrating our anniversary with dinner, a show, and a hotel room in the city. I’m so gosh-darn grateful to have parents who (a) are alive and healthy; and (b) are willing to take my sons overnight, that I couldn’t imagine giving them instructions, beyond “please make sure they eat and sleep.”

When I was a kid, my sister and my two cousins and I would spend a few days every summer at our grandparents’ house. Neither my parents nor my aunt and uncle made demands or assumptions that I’m aware of; they were probably just glad we were out of their hair for a few days. We hung out in our grandfather’s cluttered garage, looking at all the weird things he collected. We slept, all four of us, cross-wise in our grandparents’ bed. We ate whatever they gave us, went wherever they took us. I can’t remember anything un-sanctioned by parents that we did, but rest assured: our folks had no idea what we were doing.

Which is just how it should be.

17 comments on this story

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Showing 16 relevant reactions out of 17.

thanks for your response, Nicole!

best,

Denise

3 months, 3 weeks ago by Denise on Wordpress

I’ll have to go check out those posts but totally agree. If you feel your kids are in safe and loving hands, and you are getting free babysitting there really should not be any rules. Our marriage counselor actually had to explain that to my husband If you feel they need rules to be safe (ie alcohol) they probably should not be there, although completely understand sometimes you don’t have ... See all content Hide content

3 months, 3 weeks ago by Nicole on Wordpress

I mean I wouldn’t leave our non-existent kids with my husband’s parents. I would leave them with my mom in a second, even though she is now of the “of course you can have cookies before supper!” school, which she never was with us but is with the neighbor kids for whom she is substitute grandma.

3 months, 4 weeks ago by class factotum on Wordpress

A couple of things.

1. My husband’s parents are mean drunks and mean sobers. So even if we did have kids, I wouldn’t leave them with the grandparents. My mom is nice with a glass of wine or without.

2. A friend gets mad that her mother will not babysit on demand. She refuses to leave her son with anybody else. So they don’t go out. My silent thought is, “Your ... See all content Hide content

3 months, 4 weeks ago by class factotum on Wordpress

When I would complain to my mother about how my husband did things differently with our children than I did she would always reassure me that I survived my own father and that fathers ways of doing things are important to a child. I think that this theory carries over to extended families. Would you want everyone who is around your child to be exactly like you? Granted there are ground rules that are ... See all content Hide content

4 months ago by Christina on Wordpress

No need to apologize! I didn’t find your comment to be harsh at all, and I agree 100% about not leaving children with a person who cannot be trusted. That was the position I took with my own parents. I think the bottom line is that those of us with family histories of substance abuse are going to read that “Dear Amy” letter from that perspective.

4 months ago by Elisa on Wordpress

This is where I apologize profusely. To Elisa, after reading my comment it sounded harsh. Please know it was in no way directed to you or your experiences. To Denise, it was so presumptuous of me to direct my response to one your readers. I apologize. I get so passionate about things and speak out when perhaps I shouldn’t. It’s lesson I’ve been trying to learn for years, but this ... See all content Hide content

4 months ago by Alida on Wordpress

My mother and father are both deceased and while alive, lived 2,000 miles from me. If my parents could babysit my daughter even for a hour, even with all their idiosyncrasies and bad habits, I’d be so happy I wouldn’t leave the house.

4 months ago by Karen Maezen Miller on Wordpress

I agree about things not being black and white. Between the extremes of the full-blown alcoholic who cannot be trusted at all (in which case the letter-writer should not be asking her to babysit) and the responsible grandma who drinks a single glass of wine with dinner (in which case the daughter is perhaps a presumptuous control freak) is a whole range of behavior. I think there is probably more to ... See all content Hide content

4 months ago by Elisa on Wordpress

I’m a bit torn. In theory, I agree 100% with what you are saying Denise. Because the truth is, you are not talking about a glass of wine. You’re talking about a bigger issue, one of trust and respect. And I absolutely agree with all of that. But I do think sometimes there’s more to it than what we know. Not every caregiver (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, family friend) is worthy ... See all content Hide content

4 months ago by kristen on Wordpress

Elisa,

thank you for your comment. I thought of that, that the grandmother in the Dear Amy column had a problem with alcohol and that her daughter had a point in not wanting her parents to drink when they were with the kids. I acknowledge that children and family of alcoholics have a different, sensitive perspective on this issue.

But I chose to read it as is — and to assume ... See all content Hide content

4 months ago by Denise on Wordpress

Elisa,

I wrote about my parents watching the kids and I made no mention of my MIL. While there is not a problem with alcohol, I never leave my kids with my MIL. She is an unfortunate soul. She lives in misery and would like nothing more for all to share it. (that’s as kindly as I can word it) So, instead of setting rules as to what she can/cannot say in front of the kids or what she ... See all content Hide content

4 months ago by Alida on Wordpress

As a daughter of alcoholics, I think there may be more to this story than the grandmother is admitting. My own mother would tell you that she likes to enjoy a “glass of wine with dinner” but the “glass” would be more accurately described as a jug of wine that has her slurring her speech and saying inappropriate things to my kids. Except for a very brief period when my parents ... See all content Hide content

4 months ago by Elisa on Wordpress

In defense of the babysitting grandparent: http://bit.ly/6jHZFL. Let's stop walking all over them, 'k?

4 months ago by DeniseSchipani on Twitter

Alida, yes! “Let them drink apple juice!” If I told my parents to drink apple juice with their dinner they’d laugh their assess off. In fact, I BRING juice to their house for the boys because I do not expect them to buy it for them (though to be honest, they do stock some things the boys like).

I know a couple in my neighborhood, retired grandparents, who drive TO THE NEXT ... See all content Hide content

4 months ago by Denise on Wordpress

Denise,

You and I are so in sync right now. I left a comment yesterday on Lenore’s blog regarding the post you speak of. What got me was Amy’s advice that they could drink apple juice with dinner when the kids are there!! Apple Juice? Really? With dinner?

I don’t know about you, but I haven’t had apple juice for dinner since I was 5. I found it so disrespectful ... See all content Hide content

4 months ago by Alida on Wordpress

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