Re: our patent application for an evil advertising scheme

Updated 1 month, 3 weeks ago

As the New York Times reports today, we have applied for a really nasty patent that describes a way to put ads onto a screen in a way that forces people to watch or listen to them. Is it evil? Totally. Is it true that my name is on the patent, and at the top of the list? Absolutely. Because it’s my idea. Sure, some other people figured out the engineering that makes this all work. But I’m the one who came up with the idea. We were sitting in a meeting and Phil Schiller said, “You ...

know what would be cool? It would be so cool if someone could find a way to put ads on TV in such a way that it would be totally impossible for people to avoid them. Like, imagine if you were watching live sports, and you got up to leave the room when the ads came on, but the TV would just freeze until you came back, and until you watched the ad, the TV would stay frozen. Like, it would shut down. You couldn’t even change the channel, or turn the set off, or anything. You had to watch the fucking ad. So like imagine it’s like the last thirty seconds of the Super Bowl and your team is close to scoring — but you have to watch the ad. Would that not be cool or what?”

I agreed — totally cool. And I turned to the guy who runs engineering, whose name I can never remember, and I said, “Make it so. And put my name on the patent application. At the top.”

The Times guy says he can’t believe we’d really use a technology like this, because in his opinion this technology runs counter to Apple’s image and Apple’s culture. And I’m like, Excuse me? Do you know anything at all about Apple? Which part of forcing people to do what I want them to do is not in keeping with Apple’s culture? I’ve got engineers who wear Invisible Fence dog collars that shock them if they spend more than three minutes in the bathroom. Think about it.

In fact I’m really proud of the work we’ve done on the Evil Ad program. It’s a super elegant design and we’ve done some really amazing things. For example, we can make it so that you have to pass a test and demonstrate that you’ve actually watched the ad — and if you can’t pass, your device freezes. But here’s the elegant part. Once you do pass the test, the device remembers exactly where you were in the song, and starts up right on the same spot. Boom. Perfect.

Also, we can make those tests ever more difficult, so that you really have to spend loads of time doing them when you’d rather just be listening to music or watching a movie. We can make those ads so bad, in fact, that the experience of using the device would be effectively ruined.

But see, that’s the point. We don’t expect anyone will choose the ads. Because, for a very reasonable monthly fee, you’ll be able to eliminate all those ads and get your content free of all nterruptions. How reasonable, you say? Well, let’s say that for $30 a month you could watch all the TV you wanted. Let’s say that we can get all the TV networks, or most of them anyway, on board for this. Let’s say that we give you not just this week’s shows but an enormous archive, one that ultimately includes every TV show ever made. Tear out the cable box, stop paying those assholes $100 or $200 a month, and go with us instead.

Thus Apple now becomes the cable company. And the cable company dies. Yes, friends, another enormous, ridiculous, old-fashioned, greedy, fat, slow-moving, change-averse, stupid industry falls before the power of Steve. Or, as we call it, “Internet + Steve = you’re dead.” We did it to music retailers. Doing it now to mobile phone companies. Why not cable TV? These guys are ripe for a takedown.

For what it’s worth, Hulu could do this too, except they’re owned by TV networks and the TV networks are in bed with the cable operators, so Hulu has its hands tied. Google might make a play for this as well. But they’ll try to do it without charging money, which will never work. Google’s whole world revolves around generating revenue through advertising. And they still think that asking people to pay for something is just a total non-starter because nobody wants to pay for anything anymore.

Truth is, money is the easiest thing to get people to give up. Much easier than asking them to give up their time. Nobody wants to watch ads or futz around with some science project where you have to integrate a bunch of different things and it never works right.

No, what they want is something that’s that’s simple, that just works, and that doesn’t have ads. For this they are willing to spend money. Lots of it. All you do is say, Here you go, Mr. Frigtard, I saved you lots of time and hassle, now all you have to do is give me money. Easy-peezy.

Why do you think people go to the trouble to make money in the first place? They make money because they want to spend it. And once they’ve made money, they need someone to come along and give them something to spend it on. All you have to do is give them something to buy that makes them feel special — like they’re smarter, and maybe even better, than everyone else.

Sometimes I can’t believe we’re the only ones who’ve figured this out. But apparently we are.

109 comments on this story

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Showing 81 relevant reactions out of 81.

kallistec 1 month, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

@fujin_ meh, old news (JK!!). The FSJ explanation: http://bit.ly/3O27ID

virtopeanu 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Idee castigatoare la viitoarea marketing arena: Patent application for an evil advertising scheme - http://bit.ly/1Kq0rs

sallid 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

I’ve got engineers who wear Invisible Fence collars, shock them if they spend over 3 min in bathroom. - Fake Steve Jobs http://bit.ly/3Nj2uZ

emilsit 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Mixing content with wit: @strobist http://bit.ly/1SHAT3 and @FSJ http://bit.ly/J2rmG

Prentiss Riddle 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Disqus

My daughters tell me that some sites for youngish kids (Club Penguin? I can't remember now) already do this. The advertiser shows an ad and the kid has to successfully answer a quiz about the content before moving on with the game.

dsandler 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Catching up on @fsjblog: why Apple doesn't do ad-supported: "[People] make money because they want to spend it." http://bit.ly/3aqcjW

Woz 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Disqus

What about hand jobz?

Ajax Harington 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Disqus

Apples have long been the epitome of evil...

http://lavatoryreader.typepad.com/the-lavatory-reader/2009/10/the-danger-of-eating-apples.html

MarkHorner 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

http://bit.ly/2ZGvXU Best Money Quote Ever: Why do you think people go to the trouble to make money in the first place?

pinkyjong 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Which part of forcing people to do what I want them to do is not in keeping with Apple’s culture?(http://bit.ly/3mmxg1)

soska 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Fake Steve Jobs, Sobre la patente de publicidad maligna de Apple http://ow.ly/CDCQ

bobdmac 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Disqus

Another FSJ tour de force.

cookiedude 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

@curns Fake Steve has an interesting piece on Ad Patent. Sounds not that far fetched to me: http://is.gd/4WsJG

arkadyan 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

"Once they’ve made money, they need someone to come along and give them something to spend it on." http://bit.ly/1Kq0rs

SkippyThorson 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Disqus

You truly are the one's that figured it all out FSJ, my main man-god. That plan is absolutely wildly insane, and frankly, genius.

vonsydow 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Apple + Advertising http://ow.ly/CNni

tkimball 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

New Apple advertising patent: http://bit.ly/2Ftz9S

josh_wills 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Or as we say, "Internet + Steve = you're dead." http://bit.ly/3aqcjW

Intellogist 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Ha! Absolutely love FakeSteveJobs on the new Apple enforceable ads technology: http://bit.ly/1Kq0rs

pourkwa 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

RT http://bit.ly/27X55K Le pourquoi du brevet d'Apple sur les pubs obligatoires ? (via #FakeSteveJobs) http://bit.ly/X0yTX

le_luk 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

http://bit.ly/27X55K Le pourquoi du brevet d'Apple sur les pubs obligatoires ? (via #FakeSteveJobs)

ianlandsman 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Ive got engineers who wear Invisible Fence dog collars that shock them if they spend more than 3 min in the bathroom.http://bit.ly/3O27ID

jblossom 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

#media The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs Re: our patent application for an evil advertising scheme http://bit.ly/1RZDNd A great SDSJ parody

Jungle Boy 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Disqus

A patent application's just a bare bones description, no one knows how the implementation will pan out.

But one thing's for sure: Randall Stross really knows how to milk the most innane things to write "controversial" and "though provoking" articles. His job is to drive newspaper sales. Most of them take a hard one sided view without taking common industry-known reality into the picture. See ... See all content Hide content

jacobchr 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

@tveskov "Which part of forcing people to do what I want them to do is not in keeping with Apple’s culture?" http://tinyurl.com/yzrurcp

dimdelmarmol 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

FSJ FTW? http://trunc.it/3cr2r

MichaelJJulian 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

#Apple's evil ad campaign http://bit.ly/2Ftz9S

ianpaul 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

I love this: "Internet + Steve = you’re dead." http://bit.ly/DQGeB

tveskov 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

OK, det er sjældent (og lidt flovt i enerum) når man LOLer for real; Men Fake Steve er SJOV her; http://tinyurl.com/yzrurcp

PolarBearFarm 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

@majicdave I think you'll like this one http://bit.ly/2Ftz9S

dangerdavelaw 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

it's always interesting - inside jokes laced with parody but always good - fake steve - http://bit.ly/3Nj2uZ

Philip 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Disqus

steve = somewhat crazy!

but this does sound like a relatively awesome service!

madsb 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

“Internet + Steve = you’re dead.” Another great post from Fake Steve Jobs: http://bit.ly/3O27ID

jesperdahl 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

RT @madsb: “Internet + Steve = you’re dead.” Another great post from Fake Steve Jobs: http://bit.ly/3O27ID

willadam 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

The must read of the day "Internet + Steve = you’re dead" http://tinyurl.com/yzrurcp

humajee 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Disqus

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p7r 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Is Steve Jobs' patent for ads you can't avoid evil? "Totally". :-) http://bit.ly/3Nj2uZ

vaporland 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Disqus

Absolutely brilliant. Say what you want about FSJ but his ability to state the obvious is 2nd to none.

I would pay $30 / month to download what the hell I want with no advertising. I would have paid for the NYT premium content if they would have gotten rid of the fucking ads. They didn't - neither does WSJ. Rupert hasn't figured it out but FSJ has. Go figure...

@bob, what he's talking ... See all content Hide content

kalpeshk 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Fake Steve Jobs on the "evil Apple patent" : http://bit.ly/2Ftz9S

brandontonio 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

oh fake steve jobs... you're the best: http://snipurl.com/t9b71

macrael 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Or, as we call it, “Internet + Steve = you’re dead.” — http://bit.ly/3O27ID

jboutelle 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Truth is, money is the easiest thing to get people to give up. Much easier than time. http://bit.ly/4vAU0x

shantahan 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

fake steve jobs is ever insightful: http://bit.ly/2Ftz9S

Freddie Benjamin 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Friendfeed

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : Re: our patent application for an evil advertising scheme - http://www.fakesteve.net/2009...

Freddie Benjamin 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Friendfeed

"“You know what would be cool? It would be so cool if someone could find a way to put ads on TV in such a way that it would be totally impossible for people to avoid them."

tvebookdotcom 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : Re: our patent application for an ... http://bit.ly/33AJbR

shellb7 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : Re: our patent application for an ... http://bit.ly/1ivZNF

MyDishBusiness 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : Re: our patent application for an ... http://bit.ly/1iL8I5

DishBusiness 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : Re: our patent application for an ... http://bit.ly/4gDtKN

HotFrogNews 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : Re: our patent application for an ... http://bit.ly/2pRjfZ

Dave Beckett 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Friendfeed

Re: our patent application for an evil advertising scheme - Fake Steve Jobs - http://www.fakesteve.net/2009...

Dave Beckett 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Friendfeed

"Thus Apple now becomes the cable company. And the cable company dies. Yes, friends, another enormous, ridiculous, old-fashioned, greedy, fat, slow-moving, change-averse, stupid industry falls before the power of Steve. Or, as we call it, “Internet + Steve = you’re dead.” We did it to music retailers. Doing it now to mobile phone companies. Why not cable TV? These guys are ripe for a takedown ... See all content Hide content

alanwunsche 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Interesting analysis on Apple's advertising patent & potential strategy http://j.mp/3O27ID described in NYT

diffkid 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

“Internet + Steve = you’re dead.” http://is.gd/4VSGa

jobsinhiphop 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : Re: our patent application for an ...: The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs ... Also, we... http://bit.ly/33AJbR

prestonparish 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

great reads here: the secret diary of Steve Jobs :: Re: our patent application for an evil advertising scheme http://bit.ly/1Kq0rs

Funkybrad 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

http://bit.ly/hCg4C <= "Which part of forcing people to do what I want them to do is not in keeping with Apple’s culture?" by Jobs

adtrend 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : Re: our patent application for an ...: Dude, I invented the friggin iPhone. Ha.. http://bit.ly/15dZhX

theddtank 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : Re: our patent application for an ...: Dude, I invented the friggin iPhone. Ha.. http://bit.ly/3GtRS1

douglasp 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

“Internet + Steve = you’re dead.” http://bit.ly/1Kq0rs

Mr_headphones 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Forcing people to watch commercials to watch a show or listen to a song...the future? http://bit.ly/3Nj2uZ Not if we refuse this shit.

invisiblepilot 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

excellent overview of the coming evil > Fake Steve Jobs - Re: our patent application for an evil advertising scheme http://bit.ly/1Kq0rs

sheryl_canter 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs (this is TOO funny!): http://bit.ly/DQGeB

Twit_Followers 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : Re: our patent application for an ...: Why do you think people go to the troub.. http://bit.ly/2pRjfZ

gah650 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Ton of wisdom here: http://bit.ly/2Ftz9S

darknewt 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

:))) RT Steve Jobs: "Internet + Steve = you're dead" http://bit.ly/3Nj2uZ

jrosen5150 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Disqus

Not to fear everybody. I filed a patent application months before Apple and Steve that basically invalidates their patent. If they want to pursue it, they will have to find me, otherwise risk being sued years from now for retroactive royalty payments.

jennifernyc 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

lol at new fake steve jobs post on super evil ad scheme http://bit.ly/3vnHpx

pkattera 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

The (fake) Steve Jobs take on Apple's 'evil' advertising patent: http://bit.ly/7hWwy

lastangelman 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Disqus

Apple is still keeping that thermonuclear search engine under wraps? Why do I feel that is coming out with the netbook?

bartl 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Hackernews

Earlier today, I was loading a free, online Flash game in my browser. I also loaded another web page in another tab, which I put upfront...The ads that were shown before the start of the game were frozen, for as long as that tab wasn't in front.

Yes, people, it has already begun.

manifold 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Hackernews

This reminds me very much of a short-story by Stephen Baxter called "Glass Earth, Inc.", which was set in a society where everyone has to watch a daily ad-quota, and is monitored to ensure that they do.

prule 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Great read - Apple plans on retiring more old dinosaurs - http://tinyurl.com/yzrurcp

bob 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Disqus

Me being forced to watch ads = me keeping my dish network subscription

jhupcey 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

Once again @fsjblog nails it http://bit.ly/45SIGP w.r.t. to this naive NYT article http://bit.ly/2byWrs (I already pay for no ads <-- #TiVo)

MaysonL 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Hackernews

Wait until schools license this patent to force their students to actually learn! It could revolutionise education.

twocolddogs 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

FSJ thinks iTunes subscriptions are coming too......http://bit.ly/3Nj2uZ

venturehacks 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Twitter

"Why do you think people go to the trouble to make money in the first place? ... Because they want to spend it." - FSJ, http://bit.ly/2ldcnY

gojomo 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Hackernews

This passage by FSJ may highlight the essential difference between Google and Apple in coming years, even as they offer superficially similar services:Google might make a play for this [replacing cable TV] as well. But theyâ€™ll try to do it without charging money, which will never work. Googleâ€™s whole world revolves around generating revenue through advertising. And ... See all content Hide content

bugs 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Hackernews

I don't have figures but strongly suspect the latter.You are underestimated the technical ability and drive of apple users, you must understand that most computer users are normal people (including apple).

Those ads you see on TV for apple are meant for those same people that the Windows 7 ads are meant for.

On another idea from the quote you took if say apple came out with a TV option ... See all content Hide content

trezor 2 months, 3 weeks ago on Hackernews

Just to throw some alternate perspective in here, I could mention how Spotify offers it's service as a free, ad-supported service and as a paid for service without advertisement.I thought the advertisements were annoying enough to pay for premium.

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