Betsy Wuebker

Hi Lori – Yeah, in the 1980’s I worked for a guy who was a narcissist and more than likely a functioning alcoholic (self-medicating?). I bought the book “Coping with Difficult People” because of him. I found that once I realized I didn’t have any trouble getting a job elsewhere, the perception that I needed to keep the job working with him or else I would starve or something faded away to nothing. Still, it was amazing I stayed in that position for a couple of years. I also realized that he was a far more important part of my life than I was in his. I constantly thought about work and what he would be doing, yet I finally realized he rarely gave me a second thought. When the lack of balance in that sunk in, I was out of there. ... See all content Hide content

3 months, 1 week ago onWordpress in thinklikeablackbelt.com

Hi Lori – Their body language screams authority and confidence – the opposite of victim. It’s just amazing. Thanks.

4 months, 1 week ago onWordpress in thinklikeablackbelt.com

Yeah, there’s a reason “Just Do It” resonates. Eliza Fayle, of silverandgrace.com wrote about her commitment to run a marathon by citing another writer who suggested instead of thinking “I have to do it,” think “I have IT to do.” I liked that a lot.

Devoted effort to a passion will reap rewards. If there’s a redefinition of what a reward is during the process, e.g., something not financial, I’m idealistic enough to believe needs will be met despite that aspect. I also know that focusing primarily on the money portends radically different output than not. So, the question becomes, what would serve you best at this moment? The answer determines how you proceed. ... See all content Hide content

1 week, 1 day ago onWordpress in www.jonathanfields.com

Hi Teresa – Yes, sometimes we can blur the line when we assess a relationship between one that is challenging and one that is toxic. Now that I’m older, I’ve come to realize what being “set in my ways” means for me: that it’s okay to minimize and even eliminate relationships on the bases I choose, and that setting healthy boundaries and expectations is part of being responsible for myself. It sounds as though you reached that realization far earlier in life than I did. Thanks for your comment.

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3 weeks, 2 days ago onWordpress in www.jungleoflife.com

Hi Lori – I liked your description of your husband’s reaction. Pete said when he printed the e-book he could’ve sworn the feathers were real as the first page emerged. Pretty cool!

Yes, the amazing journey, but only the beginning.

1 month, 1 week ago onWordpress in passingthru.com

Hi Deb – My pleasure. I was delighted by and fascinated with the process, obviously, but even more so with the outcome. Your gifts are truly evident. Thanks go to you!

Hi Hilary – Thank you! It was a fun learning curve to be sure. I don’t know about expanding on the pieces of it. Maybe down the road. It’s fun to think about though, thanks.

Hi Jannie – I’m glad you understood what I meant with the conduit image. It seems to me that I have to get out of the way of the best stuff and let it flow. I’ve heard other people describe it as a rush, or as output coming tumbling out. I bet you get that when you’re deep in the groove of creating with your music and lyrics.

I’m glad you found useful insights in the book. It’s not so much about labeling a person but labeling behavior, isn’t it? And it’s about deciding for yourself what is acceptable, and in the case of parents, guiding a child in asserting a confident outlook. We really appreciate your feedback, thank you!

Hi Dot – I know you’ve done a lot of personal work on this subject so I was looking forward to your thoughts. I’m so appreciative that you recognized we’re not in the diagnostics business – the disclaimer makes that clear – but rather the behavior identification business here. It really doesn’t matter whether that’s an alligator or a crocodile if we’re on the lunch menu, right? What we need to know is that it will try to bite, how to avoid it, and what to do to treat a wound.

And I appreciate your comments about the process and decisions to have little or nothing to do with people who engage in the behaviors. I’m not certain that full closure is realistic even when those boundaries are well set. I think for most people, it’s a variable, as you say it is for yourself. Moi aussi.

You’re even more right that the process of growing away from the dependency has to start with responsibility for ourselves once the realization is made. There is great comfort in licking our wounds and fussing over how we’ve been victimized, and unfortunately, it is tempting to stay in that place. Lots of people do. We felt it was more important that the book focus on what you can do as opposed to things that can’t be changed.

It is much more difficult taking the steps, one after the other, day after day, to move on knowing that your buttons are still there to be pushed, or that something may trigger a reaction after which you need to work hard to stay on the better path. So if someone wants to stay stuck in a role, whether it’s victim or predator, and not take responsibility for themselves, this book is not for them.

I won’t speak for Lori, or anyone for that matter except for myself, on the subject of anger. But I’m glad you brought it up. People don’t want to talk about being angry, and the big thing is always, “You have to let it go.” I think a more realistic approach is acknowledgment and acceptance. Yes, I’m angry. More so on some days than others. Much less now than I used to be. When I say hello to my own anger, it tends to subside. On the other hand, when I allow it the upper hand or deny it, it escalates. I believe the anger will always be, to whatever degree. It just is. And that has to be okay.

So then the question becomes, what to do with anger? Deny it or unleash it for destructive purposes against others or myself? No, of course not. Vengeance? Well, perhaps, but only in the sense that awareness can filter the availability of narcissistic supply to some extent. Ensuring we aren’t vulnerable to codependency ultimately strengthens us. So wrassling with the anger that is there, with all of its variable intensity, and harnessing it toward an outcome such as this one is the best choice in the field of choices I might not wish to find myself to begin with.

Thank you, Dot, for your thoughtful response. (I can also appreciate the comments on design. I find most e-books much easier to read from printed copies.) Your comments made me think and reflect, and that’s how we get to greater understanding. xo ... See all content Hide content

1 month, 1 week ago onWordpress in passingthru.com

Well, I’m off a netbook hooked up to a larger, older monitor that could be 19″? Love the portability with the little guy. And when we speak of the netbook, we must use a squeaky little voice such as we use with small dogs.

Hate IE. Locks up the RAM it does, or something. Hate that MS upgrades reset the default browser in some cases back to IE. Jerks. I use Firefox, love the add-ons . It just feels like an old friend.

Deb, it sounds like you’ve got a USS Enterprise setup going on!

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3 weeks, 3 days ago onWordpress in siriusgraphix.com

Hi Jannie – Understanding the role we play in our relationships and honestly assessing whether our contributions to it work in positive ways are critical evaluation skills everyone needs. I’m really glad the book helped you make sense of something that didn’t seem quite right. Thank you.

Hi Barbara – It’s interesting how you describe the narcissists you’ve known as “smooth,” and always knowing how to say the right thing to manipulate. Many also use drama and intensity in a similar way. I can remember saying about one narcissist, “It’s been too calm. Expect an invented crisis of some sort!” Once you’re beginning to catch on, it’s amazing how your awareness can build quickly, and their tactics can seem so transparent.

Like you mention, we’re getting additional feedback concerning referrals to others and that our readers are sending it on. That’s a great feeling. Thanks go to you for your support of this project!

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1 month ago onWordpress in www.jungleoflife.com

Hi Nadia – It’s hard to accurately gauge normality when you’re deeply into a toxic relationship, and the remnants can linger. I can remember thinking my husband was “too normal” when we were dating and that made me anxious. LOL You’re right, it is a lot of work to disengage, and even more to move completely on, especially when you realize your susceptibility. Thanks for your comment.

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1 month ago onWordpress in www.jungleoflife.com

Hi Tim – Awareness can be very liberating. Sometimes all it takes is a preposterous comment like the one you describe to tip the scales toward awareness, too. I’m glad you found the information affirming. Thanks.

Betsy Wuebker´s Last Fabulous Post ..Roaming Through Michigan

1 month ago onWordpress in www.jungleoflife.com